I used to hate that word ‘vulnerability’.
Everything in my body would rebel at the thought of being vulnerable.
I cringed at imagining that I’d let my guard down and God forbid the wall I had built so diligently over the years should come down.
The thought of it provoked a visceral reaction.
Then a couple of weeks ago I went to a live event, the Rich Litvin Intensive.
The first night was ‘Vulnerability Night’ and boy was I triggered.
I put up the wall.
RESISTED all the way.
The 6-year old inside of me was throwing a massive temper tantrum.
Day 2 I was cautious mostly observing others in the room being vulnerable and …
I shared a bit about what was going on with me with my team members.
Day 3 I felt a little lighter not as on guard, more like me.
Then at home, as I was processing and integrating the experiences and insights from the event all over sudden it hit me.💡💡
The reason why I had so much resistance to being vulnerable.
IT WASN’T SAFE.
That was my experience.
Growing up sharing openly about my feelings, wants, needs and desires was not safe.
It equaled the breaking of trust, punishment, physical and emotional abuse.
That’s why I had come up with a coping mechanism that kept me safe during that time.
THE WALL, impenetrable and always on guard looking out for the danger that was surely lurking somewhere out there so that I’d be able to see it coming and could take measures that would ensure my safety and my survival.
That’s the program that was running in the background all these years until I became consciously aware of it the other day…
I’m still not loving vulnerability but I’m open to entertaining a relationship with it and the 6-year old is ok with it too…
So here goes …
10 things you don’t know about me…
1️⃣I shipwrecked off the coast of South Africa in the middle of the night when I was 6 and didn’t speak a word of English.
2️⃣I ran away from home for the first time when I was 14.
3️⃣I made a conscious decision to leave my parent’s house when I was 17 the equivalent of 50 cents in my pocket, carrying one suitcase and a satchel that contained my school books.
4️⃣I found a way to provide for myself financially taking my birth father to court to receive child support so that I could finish high-school.
5️⃣I put myself through college on a budget diet of eggs, pasta, bread, coffee and yes beer.
6️⃣I left my home country Austria when I was 26 and moved to the United States.
7️⃣I worked a minimum wage retail job and interned at a music label making 0 $$ to break into the entertainment industry.
8️⃣I chose to stay in an unhappy marriage for 15 years because I was afraid of being alone and felt ashamed to go back home as a failure.
9️⃣I experienced the power of coaching as a client and decided to become a coach.
🔟I quit my cushy 6 figure job at a Hollywood movie studio to follow my soul’s calling and moved to Mexico.
I have no idea how most of this happened because quite frankly I was scared shitless for the better part of it and yet everything always worked out for my greater good in the end.
So, now when the fear comes up, I know I can draw upon these experiences.
No matter what happens I will be ok because I can tap into my resourcefulness and I am supported by a higher power who is guiding me on this path.
There truly is a gift in everything. Even in the darkness, you’ll find a pot of gold.
I wouldn’t be who I am today and I wouldn’t do what I’m doing if it hadn’t been for these experiences.
I’ve come to understand that they were absolutely necessary for me to become who I am meant to be and to serve those who I am meant to serve.
And for that I AM grateful.
Simona Ksoll is a marketing strategist and mentor for small business owners and people who want to bring their big inner vision to life. Follow her on Facebook, LinkedIn and join her private Facebook Community.